Unfinished Business

Existential crisis commence in 3…2…1.

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Ok, not exactly, but I did have one of those moments when I woke up from three hours of sleep about three hours ago…and now I haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I’ve been very M.I.A. from this blog and from Michael and my personal wedding blog because there has been a lot happening in my life at the moment. I’ve been sick all my life and lately my health hasn’t been at its best. As I woke up abruptly in pain a few hours ago I had called Michael to help me, as I haven’t been moving at my best. As he came over to my place, I could clearly tell I had woken him up from very little sleep and that he was exhausted. As I see my dear sweet fiance’ stumbling along to help get me up so I can drink water and take some medicine and tuck me in to bed I feel an overwhelming guilt of what I have done to this poor sweet man. Yes, yes, I know “to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, til death do we part…” but the thing is he hasn’t officially said those words yet. And my dear sweet parents already went through such heartache of me being sick as a child, why must they have to deal with it again? More on this later…I am sorry for the seemingly erratic flow of my post.

My coworker is also going through a lot as her daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia at the age of eight (please pray for her and give her well wishes!). One time I was having a work meeting with her while she was at the hospital with her sweet daughter, Maria, and she had an interaction with Maria that truly broke my heart. At this point, Maria had been in the hospital about a week and she was trying to move a tray by herself and dragging her IVs and other cords with her (sound familiar, Mom?) at which point my co-worker interrupts are meeting to try and figure out what in the world her darling daughter is doing. I hear a typical argument that I know all to well (and so does my dear mother, who probably remembers it so painfully) that goes something to the extent of “Mom, leave me alone, I’m fine and I can do this myself” and mom being frustrated and hurt and then saying “I can go home, you know.” As I listened on the other end of the line I felt so bad for my co-worker, as I know she loves her daughter very much, and I felt even worse to hear her say those words because it was hearing my own mother saying them and realizing how as a child I must have hurt her so many times when she sacrificed so much (again, yes, I know she’s my mother and she’s supposed to love me, but I would like to think that you get the point).

My coworker and I talked about this situation the next day when she came in the office and we talked about how a child doesn’t see (like I didn’t) the sacrifice and care and worry that Mom brings to the table and all the things that Mom is giving up to be with her terrified child. I also talked about how as the sick child a lot of freedom is taken away from you, you end up having to depend on people for everything, and sometimes it’s literally everything, like getting your bum wiped or cleaning you up after throwing up (sorry for those with weak stomachs)…I remember the argument of “I can do it myself” because I felt that there was very little I could actual do and I wanted the little freedom I felt I had…but as I listened to my dear co-worker how my heart broke for what I did to my poor parents as a child. And yes, it did suck to be sick, but still every parent deserves the right to worry and the right to be acknowledged for what they’ve done…and yes, respected (happy mother’s day, mom! I finally learned after the 25th one, eh?). As my co-worker and I talked more, we talked about how she was explaining to Maria that she would take her place in a heartbeat if she could (Another thing my mom always told me)…but instead of being a little snot (yes, I finally admit it, Mama) her inspirational little Maria said, “Oh, Mom, that’s horrible! I would never want to wish this on anyone, ever!” What insight for an eight year old, truly.

This brings me back to this morning as I watched Michael stumble helping me and I thought of the dear man he is. He is always working hard and trying to provide for me, for Twix, for his mom, his friends and family, and to make a difference in this world. What in the world did he do to deserve having to deal with a fiance’ that wakes him up in the middle of the night to come and help her take medicine? What in the world did he do to deserve having to go to doctors every week when he’s healthy as can be? Why do my parents have to worry and deal with a sick daughter so far away from home? A sick daughter for whom they’d already lost so much sleep over in hospitals and doctors and really bad house calls in the middle of the night? …

And then I think…as everyone does when they feel crappy and sick and just doesn’t understand the world and what is going on… “Wouldn’t it be easier for this illness just to be done with me?” I think then my parents won’t worry about helping me out, Michael would get sleep, and I just won’t have to worry about it. … and then like everyone should, I get over my pity party, quickly, and think to myself… Do they know you appreciate them? Do they know you love them? Have you really lived life the way you should? What would make you not so scared?

I then realized that the unfinished business a lot of us have is not verbally saying to people and letting people know how we feel. Communication is a huge reason of why people grow apart…or rather, bad communication. But then, as I browse Facebook I run into another quote, “Your character is how you act when you think no one is watching.” This makes me think further, what have I done that I regret doing? What can I change? We can’t stop ourselves from dying, we can’t stop freak accidents from happening, we can’t stop acts of fate from happening…but what we can do is live our lives fully and live our lives right…live our lives right by always doing good and not cheating when we think no one is watching (and someone always is) and even if you think someone isn’t watching, you will ultimately have to live with yourself.

So after all the horrible feelings I felt for waking up Michael, I still called him yet again to let him know I loved him and I appreciated him and that I was sorry for all the times I was a pain and the times that I would get frustrated because he didn’t and doesn’t deserve that. I resolve that I will do my best to stay in the right mindset to give him the friendship he deserves from his fiance’ even when my medications try to get the best of me. I resolved to write this blog post to try and encourage people to live positively. Or as my parents say “Live simply, Love Generously, Laugh Often.” But, honestly, cherish your loved ones (but that’s a given)…I think the other part is being kind to others, most especially those you’ve felt you’ve been wronged by…sometimes it’s just a communication issue. (Again, realizing this post may not completely flow together, please give me a break it’s six am). Live your life good and well all the time, even when you think no one is watching. Don’t regret your actions, you can’t do anything with regret…instead, make a difference, change your attitude, make someone smile…it goes back to the concept of LCBD…one little change in your life, one smile at a stranger or door held for a person or a quick hello…all these things can really amount to big differences in your life and the lives of others.

As for my unfinished business…I hope that I can live everyday and love everyday and everyone and make it known so that my unfinished business becomes less and less. So…as I declare it loud and proud…my parents are awesome and I love them and I truly appreciate all they have done to make me and my brothers who we are today…as well as every other life that they have transformed. Happy birthday to my dearest Papa and Happy Mother’s Day to my dearest Mama. I love you both. (And yes, I am still sorry for being a brat and always will be…I know, I just said regret does nothing, but maybe it does in the sense that you know I love you both so much that I wish I could go back and take away your pain ) <3